Thursday, August 11, 2011


Euphoria. A great workout. Runner's high. Cute running shorts. Lean muscle. Strong legs. Great cardio. A clear head. Weight loss. Time to think.

The above is a list of the way I wish I could see running.

Below is how it really is in my life.

Trouble breathing. Asthma. Neuroma. Shin splints. THREE sports bras. Running bottoms long enough to prevent chub rub. Ankle pain. Sore knees. Frustration.

I've always wanted to be a runner, to be able to feel that high people talk about. I have ran, and I have never been high from it. Endorphin's? I don't know about those. I have been advised by many a doctor not to run, that the benefits come nowhere near outweighing the harm. They say that even for healthy people, running is bad for your joints, takes a toll in the long run and puts you at risk for injury because the weight you bear down on your knees, ankles, feet every time you take a stride, hurts more than helps.

That is just for normal people. I, however, am not normal when it comes to body type. I have a rod and six pins and screws in my left ankle. Keeps it sturdy in there, but definitely makes it sore when I pound down on it by running. I have multiple neuroma's (tiny little nerve tissue collected into a benign tumor inside your foot that causes excruciating shooting pain on the ball of the foot.) I have bad knees, which we found out started from growing pains when I was about 13 (Osgood-Schlatter-rapid growth and pulling of the tendons around the growth plate of the knee.) Painful then and never quite went away from the teen years. I also get shin splints. I always have, used to even have to be iced by a trainer before and after soccer and lacrosse games in high school. Those are just annoying and I try to work through the pain. I have exercise induced asthma. My lungs burn, feel like they are closing up and I can't take a deep breath. I have an inhaler for prevention and emergencies. If I take it as a preventative, it makes me shake and I hate the way it makes me feel. And I don't ALWAYS trigger the asthma when I work out, so I only use it when I can feel an attack coming.

So, those are the medical conditions which keep me from enjoying a nice run. Otherwise, the fact that I have to wear three sports bras to keep these ladies in place and out of pain, is just annoying. The fact that there are adorable running outfits out there that I can't wear is a little disheartening as well. Running shorts tend to be super short, which is great if your thighs don't touch...I, however do not have that luxury. This part is mostly just vanity, but still, buying new workout clothes always makes you feel excited about working out, right? Maybe that's just me.

Either way, I still get to a point every once in a while where I just want to run. Just to try it one more time and see if I can push through and make it to that euphoria. It hasn't happened yet, but I haven't given up completely:)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Time is Treasure

It is always sad to lose someone. Even more so when you have things you wished you could have said or done with that someone and suddenly they are just no longer there.

Ellen asked me a long time ago if I knew how to iron. I said, "Well, I think so...I kind of just put the clothes out and iron them, no real plan of action."

She proceeded to tell me that there is a specific way to iron, that her mother-in-law taught her how to do so and that she would love to show me. I told her I would love that and we should plan a time for me to come over with some of Oliver's clothes.

Time went by, we continued our weekly dinners with Oliver's parents, and saw them often, but never quite planned that ironing lesson. I always thought to myself, "we'll figure it out, we'll find a time."

Ellen began to get sicker and as she began to get even more weak, I remember thinking, maybe I could set up an iron in the hang-out room where Ellen was in her bed. She might not be able to show me, but if I were right there she could guide and direct me.

It seems simple, an ironing lesson. Ironing is ironing, you get the wrinkles out, you're good, right? But it was more than that. It meant something that my mother-in-law-to-be wanted to pass something on to me that her mother-in-law passed to her. It was just really a moment to share. And I wanted that moment. And as time went on and her sickness quickly began to completely take over, I lost my chance. I lost my chance to spend the time and make the memory. Like I said, it seems simple, but it tears me up inside that I missed out on that moment. I was lucky enough to marry into the most amazing family, have the most amazing in-laws. Even if I technically only had a mother-in-law for three days.

I miss Ellen everyday. I'm not really sure I will ever forgive myself for letting that moment pass. I am extremely blessed that I got the chance to say everything I could ever want to say to her, to thank her for her son, for making him who he is, for loving him the way she had his whole life, for teaching him how to love and for welcoming me with open arms into their family. The most amazing woman, the pride of the family, the elegant matriarch. I learned a lot from my mother-in-law and I am thankful for that. This lesson, instead of teaching me how to iron, has taught me to treasure all moments and never take time for granted because you are not always guaranteed to have it.