I Wonder Where I'd Be...

Sometimes I look back on things and wonder how my life would be different if I made different decisions. I think everyone wonders what might have been if another path was chosen. Not saying that this means I, or anyone else who wonders is regretting the choices made, but it is just something to think about. What made me think of this today? Well, I went to see Dolphin Tale (good movie, no need to see it in 3-D though...) and I thought about how much I would love to work with animals. This is different, maybe actually a step beyond my want to be a veterinarian. I have always loved animals, dolphins in particular. They fascinate me. Since I was little I always wanted to swim with them. That dream became a reality my senior year of college on spring break in Mexico. It was pretty cool. I don't want to say I was disappointed, but...I had always kind of hoped to actually swim with them, like swim around in the same pool. We got to pet them, have them kiss us and go to the middle of the pool, put our feet out and have them come up from behind and push the bottoms of our feet until we were practically air born! Now that part was awesome. However, I wanted to swim with them, spend time with them. I'm sure there's somewhere you can pay to do that, but this place was get in, meet and greet, get out.

I digress...the point I am getting at is that there have always been things I wanted to do, and lots of them. And most of them are a career. Which you can really only choose one of. I wanted to be a marine biologist. I wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to write screenplays. I wanted to be a teacher. The writing, I can do on the side thankfully, even if it would be nice to have as a full career. But the others? You can't really be a vet or a marine biologist "on the side." In high school, I applied to a school near the water in North Carolina because of their marine biology department and internship opportunities. I was wait listed...in the mean time, I accepted my early decision acceptance into Longwood. I liked the school, I liked the distance from home, the quaint town, the promise of an education where the professors actually know who you are instead of lectures of 500. As I have mentioned before, I went into Longwood as a Pre-Veterinary Med major. That changed pretty quickly (before classes even began) to Communication Studies. I thought I would get what I needed there to work behind the scenes in TV and/or film. While I learned a lot about the how and why people communicate, I got little in the department of actual broadcasting, film making, etc. I did, however, take every single creative writing class Longwood had to offer and was even given my own class, one-on-one with a professor my senior year for Advanced Screen Writing. That was pretty cool. One of my creative writing professors passed along one of the scenes I wrote to another professor who taught the advanced class. I had a scheduling conflict and wasn't able to enroll in her class. She loved my writing so much that she offered to meet with me twice a week for my own advanced class. It was an amazing opportunity and I learned a lot that semester.

Anyhow...off topic again? Weird. So, I just sometimes wonder if somewhere along the way, if my decisions were different or things worked out differently, where would I be today? If I had gotten into that school and gone for marine biology, what would I be doing now? That opens up a whole world I know nothing about, so who knows where I would be?! What if I had kept my pre-vet med major at Longwood and never known the wonderfulness of the Longwood Comm. Studies Department? What if I had stayed at Ascent Media, working "behind the scenes" in TV? What if I hadn't applied to grad school or spent that summer in Italy? Again, these aren't regrets, just questions. I know that parts of my life are solid, as solid and wonderful as they could be. I have an amazing husband (who, if I had not moved to CT would never have met) an amazing best friend (who Longwood brought me) an awesome group of friends who mean the world to me, a beyond amazing family. I just wonder about my career sometimes. I love teaching, but would I have been better at something else? Just feeling a bit reflective this evening.

Butterflies

I still get 'em. The night before the first day of school has always been a night for butterflies for me. I love everything that has to do with going back to school. The back-to-school mall shopping, new shoes, new backpack, new school supplies! I love it all and always have! I could spend hours at Staples, the back-to-school section at Walmart, Target, you name it- I'm there. There's just something about new notebooks, new pens, a box of newly sharpened pencils or crisp new crayons. And the brand new, blank calendar just waiting to be filled with important dates for the school year! Man I just get so excited even thinking about it!

This mild obsession with all things school supply could be a reason I went into the teaching profession. Now, my days leading up to the start of school are spent browsing at the Educational Warehouse, the dollar bins at Target and the same wonderful aisles of Staples and Walmart. And now I get to buy teacher things too, like a lesson plan book and books full of bulletin board ideas! I don't need a new backpack, but I browse through them anyway:) I get to decorate my classroom with bright colors and inviting posters. And I get to use my teacher handwriting, which I love doing. Perfecting each curve and line to form the perfect letter. Nerd, party of one.

I just thought that I would blog about this very exciting day. The first day of school is tomorrow for us, today was open house and my butterflies woke me up at 5:00 this morning. Those were more nervous butterflies because parents come to open house too. I'm not nervous about speaking in front of people (thanks COMM 101) but these people are entrusting me with the care and education of their children, their most prized possessions. So the "what if they don't like me?" question teeters in the back of my mind. The kids I am not afraid of. I love kids, I love teaching them and watching them soak everything up. The butterflies that will wake me up tomorrow will be pure excitement:) So whether your first day was yesterday, today, tomorrow, whenever, good luck to all my teacher friends! Have a wonderful year!!

Running.

Euphoria. A great workout. Runner's high. Cute running shorts. Lean muscle. Strong legs. Great cardio. A clear head. Weight loss. Time to think.

The above is a list of the way I wish I could see running.

Below is how it really is in my life.

Trouble breathing. Asthma. Neuroma. Shin splints. THREE sports bras. Running bottoms long enough to prevent chub rub. Ankle pain. Sore knees. Frustration.

I've always wanted to be a runner, to be able to feel that high people talk about. I have ran, and I have never been high from it. Endorphin's? I don't know about those. I have been advised by many a doctor not to run, that the benefits come nowhere near outweighing the harm. They say that even for healthy people, running is bad for your joints, takes a toll in the long run and puts you at risk for injury because the weight you bear down on your knees, ankles, feet every time you take a stride, hurts more than helps.

That is just for normal people. I, however, am not normal when it comes to body type. I have a rod and six pins and screws in my left ankle. Keeps it sturdy in there, but definitely makes it sore when I pound down on it by running. I have multiple neuroma's (tiny little nerve tissue collected into a benign tumor inside your foot that causes excruciating shooting pain on the ball of the foot.) I have bad knees, which we found out started from growing pains when I was about 13 (Osgood-Schlatter-rapid growth and pulling of the tendons around the growth plate of the knee.) Painful then and never quite went away from the teen years. I also get shin splints. I always have, used to even have to be iced by a trainer before and after soccer and lacrosse games in high school. Those are just annoying and I try to work through the pain. I have exercise induced asthma. My lungs burn, feel like they are closing up and I can't take a deep breath. I have an inhaler for prevention and emergencies. If I take it as a preventative, it makes me shake and I hate the way it makes me feel. And I don't ALWAYS trigger the asthma when I work out, so I only use it when I can feel an attack coming.

So, those are the medical conditions which keep me from enjoying a nice run. Otherwise, the fact that I have to wear three sports bras to keep these ladies in place and out of pain, is just annoying. The fact that there are adorable running outfits out there that I can't wear is a little disheartening as well. Running shorts tend to be super short, which is great if your thighs don't touch...I, however do not have that luxury. This part is mostly just vanity, but still, buying new workout clothes always makes you feel excited about working out, right? Maybe that's just me.

Either way, I still get to a point every once in a while where I just want to run. Just to try it one more time and see if I can push through and make it to that euphoria. It hasn't happened yet, but I haven't given up completely:)

Time is Treasure

It is always sad to lose someone. Even more so when you have things you wished you could have said or done with that someone and suddenly they are just no longer there.

Ellen asked me a long time ago if I knew how to iron. I said, "Well, I think so...I kind of just put the clothes out and iron them, no real plan of action."

She proceeded to tell me that there is a specific way to iron, that her mother-in-law taught her how to do so and that she would love to show me. I told her I would love that and we should plan a time for me to come over with some of Oliver's clothes.

Time went by, we continued our weekly dinners with Oliver's parents, and saw them often, but never quite planned that ironing lesson. I always thought to myself, "we'll figure it out, we'll find a time."

Ellen began to get sicker and as she began to get even more weak, I remember thinking, maybe I could set up an iron in the hang-out room where Ellen was in her bed. She might not be able to show me, but if I were right there she could guide and direct me.

It seems simple, an ironing lesson. Ironing is ironing, you get the wrinkles out, you're good, right? But it was more than that. It meant something that my mother-in-law-to-be wanted to pass something on to me that her mother-in-law passed to her. It was just really a moment to share. And I wanted that moment. And as time went on and her sickness quickly began to completely take over, I lost my chance. I lost my chance to spend the time and make the memory. Like I said, it seems simple, but it tears me up inside that I missed out on that moment. I was lucky enough to marry into the most amazing family, have the most amazing in-laws. Even if I technically only had a mother-in-law for three days.

I miss Ellen everyday. I'm not really sure I will ever forgive myself for letting that moment pass. I am extremely blessed that I got the chance to say everything I could ever want to say to her, to thank her for her son, for making him who he is, for loving him the way she had his whole life, for teaching him how to love and for welcoming me with open arms into their family. The most amazing woman, the pride of the family, the elegant matriarch. I learned a lot from my mother-in-law and I am thankful for that. This lesson, instead of teaching me how to iron, has taught me to treasure all moments and never take time for granted because you are not always guaranteed to have it.

31 Days

So, it seems to me that whenever I give myself a challenge, I seem to get more accomplished. Kind of like making short-term goals instead of big, long-term ones. For example, when I started boot camp this year, I signed up for one month and told myself that I would do this boot camp for the whole month, no excuses, no skipping out, and I did it. The whole month of January I woke up at 5:00 a.m., went to boot camp for an hour, went to the gym to shower and then continued on with my regular workday. I didn't miss one day and it felt really good to keep that promise to myself. I also give something (usually multiple somethings) up every year during Lent. I have never, not once "cheated" during Lent. If I say I will not eat fast food or order out for a month, I wont do it (even when it isn't the Lenten season.)

What I am getting at is my next challenge. Tomorrow begins a new month and my challenge, however small it may seem to others, is to do some type of physical activity everyday for 31 days. When I do things like this, it isn't just for the month, it is to jump start a healthy way of living, so that next month, I will be used to the everyday activity, know what I am capable of and be able to continue.

And since I decided to blog about it and this is a dual blog...Hollee and I will be doing this together. Whatever it may be; a walk around the block, a trip to the gym, swimming at the beach or pool, a bike ride...anything. Everyday. All month long. We will both be doing it (we tend to do better when we do things together, even from a distance.) We will also be taking suggestions of what type of activity to do so we don't get burnt out. So, keep the ideas coming! (Or really, just START them coming...no one ever responds to our blogs, we really do want suggestions!!)

We'll be blogging about our progress; how things are going, what types of activities we are doing, how we feel, etc. So, there you go. 31 days. Starting tomorrow. Wish us luck!

For the Bug and the Monster

Sometimes throughout the year, I sit back and think, "what was I doing at this time last year?" I daydream and compare where I am in life, things I was doing then compared to things I am doing now, that sort of thing. A few weeks ago, I was reminiscing about last summer. This time last summer I was playing mommy to my amazing niece and nephew. All summer I told myself I was going to write them a letter at the end of our time together and tell them all the things they did, places we went together, adventures we had, adorable things they did or said. Daily, I would think to myself "oh, there's something I'll put in the letter" after Freddie smiled for the camera or Ainsley said something ridiculously funny (which is definitely not rare:) But as the summer came to a close, I had written nothing. Shocker. So, this year as I am thinking back, I have decided to write that letter. Things are not as fresh in my mind but it is a summer I will never forget. So here it goes:

Dear Ainsley and Freddie,

Last summer Daddy stayed with Nanny and Poppa during the week so he could work at his new job and while Mommy was still working in Richmond, I was the one to get to take care of you! Since I am a teacher and have summers off, I was lucky enough to spend the whole summer with you two!

Bug, you were not even three yet, because I came to stay with you guys in June, but you were the most amazing, chatty, witty almost-three-year-old I have ever known. And Fredders, you were just a wee three month old baby boy. The chubbiest, cutest, most amazing little baby boy I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

We settled into a routine where I woke up right before Mommy had to leave for work, most days you were awake, Bug, and Freddie was either still sleeping or laying in his swing. For a little while, you were very sad to see Mommy go. It broke my heart (and Mommy's) to see you cry when she left, but you were fine less than 5 minutes after she was out of the driveway. Then, I would make you breakfast and sometimes even set up your chair in the living room so we could watch something fun while we ate our breakfast. Otherwise, we would sit at the table together and eat our breakfast of cereal, waffles, or the chocolate cream of wheat stuff that you loved.



You were such a good helper with Freddie, always wanting to follow me up when we had to do a diaper change, or hold his bottle when I was feeding him. Freddie, you kept us on schedule. I had to make sure you had everything you needed when you needed it. You had bad reflux so you took Mylanta (Ainsley, you used to ask me in the morning if Freddie had taken "your lanta" yet because when you asked what I was giving him, I said "Mylanta." It made me giggle every time.) I even had an app on my phone that tracked when you took your medicine, when you ate, when you were changed, when you slept, when you woke up, everything. You had your bottle every three hours and you took your longer naps in the morning. So every morning we would lounge until around 10:30 when I would start to get Ainsley ready before you woke up around 11:00 and we all went out together.

Some days we went grocery shopping, sometimes to Target, we played soccer in the front yard, blew bubbles in the backyard and always went to a park somewhere. There was the park with the fountain where we threw some goldfish to the geese, then there was your favorite park with the castle! Now, that was a cool playground. You went on the see-saw, the swings, the tire swing, and we played princess games in the castle where you would tell me stories about how I was in the dungeon and the princes Brinkley and Gatsby would come save me from the "Mean Teen."

Bug, your imagination is like nothing I've ever seen. You can play make-believe for hours and never get tired, you can tell stories with the most creative action sequences I've ever heard. You also did love your movies. As much as we played outside, we watched movies. One of your favorites last summer was All Dogs Go To Heaven (although I am sure it is hard to believe there was anything before Tangled.) The credits would roll and you would instantly look at me and say "again?" Sometimes I said yes:)




We went to the pool with Margie one day and you had such a blast! Freddie kinda just chilled then passed out, but we had fun!
We had a little blow up pool on the deck and we'd play for hours in there too. You had hundreds of toys in there and I would sing you a song "I see a tiger, tiger, tiger, I see a tiger in the pool!" and you would search for the tiger and bring it to me. That game never got old! Then, after your birthday party you had a lot more toys and even a new play sink for outside. You always wanted to crawl in the sink, I even gave you a bath in there once, ha. Crazy Auntie Keek:) Or was it Crazy Ainsley? It was your idea!

One big thing we accomplished together that summer was potty training!! Mommy and Daddy had been working with you for a bit before Freddie came along, but once he was born you regressed a little (totally normal when a new baby is in the house and Mommy and Daddy are super busy.) So I thought it was the perfect time for you to try again. You did such a great job!! You got a prize every time and soon enough you were fully trained and I was so proud of you!



Fredders, the things about that time that I will never forget are swaddling you up and rocking you to sleep. It was one of my favorite things to do, even when my back ached from holding your chubby little self and swaying back and forth. You fought sleep like you were in a boxing ring and nap time was your toughest competitor. Your little eyes would flutter and flutter and you would try so hard to keep them open. Until finally, they would stay closed, your breathing would slow, you would get a bit heavier and ultimately lose out on that fight. I loved how warm and snuggly you were and how you would instantly stop squirming and fussing when you were swaddled. Swaddling is my favorite thing. You looked so snuggled up and comfy and I would just pat, pat, pat your little baby back until you succumbed to sleep.





We all took a trip to Longwood one day too. Ainsley, you got to play in the Brock Commons fountains while Freddie watched from his stroller. We visited all the Longwood sites while I told you stories about how Mommy, Daddy and Keek went to school there. I showed you the Founding Four clock in front of the library and asked you which you liked better, "Delta Zeta or Zeta Tau Alpha" you said "Delta yayda" I asked one more time just to be sure and got the same response. Maybe I didn't tell you about the CROWN part of ZTA...I think that'd be a big seller these days for my little princess:)

All in all we had an amazing summer together, I wish I had written down some of your quotes, Bug, because you are one hilarious little lady. Fredders, you didn't say much so no regrets there:) I was sad to leave you guys, every time I say goodbye to you both I leave a little piece of myself with you. You are the first niece and nephew I ever had and I love you both with all my heart and soul. I am the luckiest aunt to have gotten to spend that precious time with you, and now you have some account of it also:)

Love,
Auntie Keek

Is the lack of stress, stressful??

So, with less than three weeks until the wedding, I am feeling very excited, not so stressed, just excited. I mean, there are little things I guess I am stressing about, like how I need to print three different sets of things and I don't have Word on my computer and all the templates online are for Word only...that's stressing me out a little, but not enough to freak or anything. I'll figure it out. That's pretty much been my attitude through everything, "I'll figure it out." I try not to sweat the small stuff. I want to marry Oliver, be with him forever...does the other stuff really matter? In the grand scheme, not really. Of course I want a beautiful, fun, awesome wedding, but so many of the little details people fuss over just aren't worth fretting over for me.

Anyhow, so while during the day I am not thinking I feel very stressed, evidently my body is reacting at night. I haven't really been sleeping well. So perhaps all the things on the "to-do" list are floating around in my subconscious and coming out at night, thus disallowing this bride her beauty sleep. Everyday after school I have things planned to get done. Whether it's wedding errands I need to run or wedding things I need to do at home. But today after school I decided to go get a pedicure and relax a little, try to maybe stave off some of the stress that everyone keeps telling me will inevitably ensue. (seriously, every bride, married woman, past bridesmaid, everyone has been warning me to de-stress and prepare for anxiety during the weeks before the wedding.) But here we are, a few weeks before the wedding and I am pretty okay. What's stressing me out is people telling me I am gonna be stressed!

I have never really been great at total relaxation. When I get a massage (which is my all time number one favorite thing to do) I sometimes even then have to remind myself to stop thinking about the outside world, the things I have to do, and just be in the moment with the spa music playing, scented oils and wonderful tension-relieving hands for the next 60 minutes. But today just made me laugh a little. There was a special at the nail place to have a free chair massage or free eyebrow waxing. I don't do nail salon waxing, so I opted for the chair massage.

Here's a little bit of what went through my head during the time I should have been relaxing:

"Hmm, she just put lotion on her hands, that's gonna make my hair oily when she does the neck massage part, Ah, who cares, I need to wash it anyway. I need to buy a round brush, I left mine in Fairfax. Maybe I could go to Marshall's after this and see if they have one. I need shoes, I'll look for shoes there. Ugh, stop thinking about this, relax, just feel this massage and relax. If I go to Marshall's I could probably also look for flip flops and not just rehearsal dinner shoes. I wish I had worn flip flops today, now I might mess up my pedicure when I put my flats back on. Or maybe they will let me walk out in these silly little shoes. Or I could wear these down to Marshall's, buy flip flops and wear them home. Oh boy, she's pulling my arms now. This tiny little Asian is probably thinking, 'dang, this girl is meaty' with her tiny little arms massaging my big old chubby upper arm. Seriously Caitlyn? Just relax. Deep breaths, calming, picture yourself on the beach on the honeymoon. Maybe I should call and make a reservation for a private dinner on the beach. The resort offers that, that'd be a nice surprise for Oliver. A romantic, candle-lit dinner on the beach. Perfect. Wonder if I'll be able to make it to the OBX this summer. I hope so. Stop thinking! RELAX!!" Ding. times up, massage over. Well, it felt good at least...